Do you wake up day after day and wish you could call in sick?  Are you demotivated and unexcited about your work because you feel there is absolutely nothing to look forward to except more of the same everything? 

You know it is time to reinvent your career if you are feeling unchallenged, or if you don't perceive career advancement opportunities like a promotion.  You may feel your career has plateaued or, you may have started out enjoying your career and then over time you lost interest.

For example, you may be new in your career and took the first job you were offered at a company you felt was solid because you wanted a stable job and you needed to pay your college bills but you are not doing something that interests you.  Or you achieved your career goals early on in your career and you are looking for something new and challenging to do.

Another example is that, you may have over 20 years of experience in your career.  You used to love going to work because you had a plan and twenty or thirty years later you are doing exactly what you always dreamed of doing but you are no longer excited about it.  In fact, you are only waiting around for retirement so going to work every day is now a tedious exercise because you are seeing the same work and situations over and over again.  

Sometimes career reinvention may be useful if you are in the right job but the work environment isn't a good fit for you.  For example, you are doing the work you love but you do not thrive in a very competitive, "cut-throat" environment nor do you enjoy managing people but you are working in a very competitive environment and you have a team of employees reporting to you.  

If you decide you are ready to make a change in your career you can decide if you want to remain on the same career track or in the same industry or if you want to change your career altogether.   Your career usually goes through four stages in a cycle.   The cycle starts at the exploration stage and moves into the establishment stage where you are working toward moving up the ranks.  Once you establish yourself in your career you maintain your performance or continue to grow and when your career starts to approach decline, you may disengage.  Some employees disengage but stick around because early retirement is right around the corner.

Here is a list of reasons employees give me that cause them to resist making a change that will probably lead to a much happier, fulfilled career:
 

n-  I don’t know what you want to do but I am clear about what I don't want to do.
-  I don’t have a degree so I can't compete in the market
-  I don’t have the money to go back to school
-  I am making a lot of money and I don’t want a pay cut if I have to start over
-  I have to support my family.  I have to keep food on the table and gas in the car.
-  I know what I have… (Fear of the unknown)

These are reasons that sound legitimate but keep us stuck so here are the steps you can take to get "unstuck" and reinvent your career.

-  Step one is to find your purpose if you haven't already.  If you are going to reinvent your career why
   don't you do something you love to do?  Keep in mind, finding something to do that will invoke enthusiasm 
   sometimes takes time so be patient with yourself.  If you are unclear and you need help with this
   process, a career coach can assist you.
-  Step two is to understand your personal career preferences.  What are your personal values?  Are they
   aligned with your employer's values?  What kind of work environment do you work best in?  Where can
   you find this type of environment? 
-  If you decide to make a change in your career, research your options.  Conduct your research into the 
   corporate environment before you interview with a potential employer because you can decide that a 
   work environment is not suitable to you no matter how much money they offer.  Decide if you want to 
   remain in the same company or the same industry?  Use your network of friends and acquaintances to
   understand more about the roles that interest you.  Always aim to have more than one role of interest.
-  Create a career development plan that will help you to get from where you are to where you want to 
   be.  You may decide to take classes or identify a mentor or career coach.  Your plan should identify
   companies of interest to you and it can identify if you would like to continue to work for an employer or
   open your own business or a combination of both.  If you plan to continue to work for an employer and
   open your own business, keep in mind some companies have rules that prohibit a conflict of interest that
   will impede your ability to perform your daily duties so investigate the corporate policy before you seek
   an alternative income stream.

   Your career plan can include hypothetical career paths you can take to achieve your goals coupled with 
   alternative developmental plans designed to provide you with the skills you will need for each
   path.  Remember, if you are looking to attain a managerial or executive position, learn more about
   leadership and technical skills that will help you to be more competitive. 

Some employees wait until their employers can see how much they bring to the table and train and promote us.  While some employers are willing to invest in your development, your training is either primarily your responsibility or a joint responsibility between you and your employer because if you decide to resign, you take the benefits of your training with you to your new employer.  So develop your own personal training plan by considering your budget and appropriate seminars, degree programs, conferences and associations.

There are many people who are not sure about what they want to do so if you are one of these people you can try different jobs over time.  If you decide to try different jobs, keep in mind that some employers shy away from considering resumes that list numerous jobs in a short period of time because they may perceive this as an indicator of instability and some recruiters are wary of employee turnover.  However, frequent position changes while working for a single employer seems to be a more acceptable pattern.

In my experience, no two career plans are exactly the same.  Everyone has different interests and skill sets.  For example, you may be interested in law, someone else may want to combine their knowledge of the law with their knowledge of IT.  Or you may combine your knowledge of IT with Graphic Art. Consider the needs of the market you are a part of (or one you wish to be a part of) and think of skill sets or combinations of skills that will set you apart from your peers.

Reinvention can occur whether or not you remain in the same career or whether or not you decide to start working for yourself.  When reinventing yourself you don't have to be focused on a promotion or making more money.  You can focus on improving your performance or knowledge of your existing role and this can involve developing a plan to attain a higher performance rating or it can mean taking a lateral role with the same pay so you can attain breadth and depth of knowledge and experience.  So when developing your plan, ensure it is flexible and meets your specific needs.

 

There are people in the workplace who try to get along with everyone.  They are pleasant and accommodating and their aim is to be accepted and to be a part of the team.   They bring you a slice of the cake they baked on Sunday, they get your coffee everyday, they pick up or even buy your lunch regularly, they help you out whenever you need something they can do for you.  They sometimes offer.

This type of coworker can be liked but more often than not they are disliked.  Why disliked?  Sometimes they are disliked because they are perceived as kissing up because of their perceived performance deficiencies.   While this may be true in some circumstances, a high need to be accepted could also exist in top performers.  Top performers sometimes feel they need to be accepted so they are congenial or they sometimes even dumb down to fit in.  The problem with this approach is that your coworkers can through the facade.  They know you are a strong performer or making them look bad so they don't trust you.

You sense the lack of trust or feelings of dislike directed toward you so you try even harder to fit in because you believe in the team.  You believe in working together and you want to be a part of the solution.  This is how you were trained.

We are always taught to "never give up" or to persevere.  While perseverance is sometimes a very useful tool, it can sometimes be destructive in cases where we use the same unsuccessful tactics over and over again.   Remember the definition of insanity...

There is now a fairly new skill in leadership being taught called knowing when to quit.  Knowing when to quit is not about giving up, it is about knowing when you have passed the point of diminishing return and changing your approach or discontinuing your ineffective tactics.  It may even mean losing the battle to win the war. 

Now let's put this in context.  When we are not liked because of our strong results, we sometimes inadvertently feed the dislike by trying harder to be accepted by doing what we feel are the right things instead of identifying the point of diminishing return.  We continue to try to be of service to others, to forgive and be generous.  While these are commendable traits, when doused healthy dose of a lack of self confidence, the combination is not functional and it causes us not to know when to quit.  Here is how this system of behavior can become toxic.

You are performing well and you are helpful and always willing to do whatever it takes (sometimes going overboard) to be a productive member of the team.  Your team members can tell that you are a high performer, you get the interesting assignments from the boss, you win awards and you are recognized but you can feel their growing resentment - you beginning to feel ostracized.   You want your team to accept you as the "down to earth", helpful and willing team player that you are by doing the things you value, like helping them out with their work.  Unfortunately, helping them only pushes them away further because to them, it seems like you are trying too hard and by helping them you may be reinforcing their perception that you think you are better, smarter or more favored.  You are not making any headway but you were taught to persevere but all the perseverance is doing is fueling the (no longer latent) fires of jealousy and anger toward you causing that anger to manifest itself in various ways like confrontation or rejection.

Here are a few behaviors I have witnessed in the person being ostracized when trying to fit in:

1. They continue to do the same things like forgiving their coworkers for their transgressions.  They continue 
    to hope their coworkers will see them as a good person .  Their coworkers may actually to like them.
2. You adopt a negative attitude toward the people who don't trust or like you and end up avoiding them or
    become aggressive toward them, deepening the system of dislike, bitterness and mistrust.
3. You take a step back and get real about the situation.  Accept the part you are playing in building the system of
    dislike and mistrust and break your patterns.

Here are some tips on how to you can break your patterns:

1. Face the truth. You will not get anyone to like you by continuing to do the things they don't like about you. 
    Determine which behavior are a based on your need to fit in and weed these behaviors out as they don't serve
    you or the team because they don't represent who you truly are. 
2. While being yourself, treat your coworkers with dignity and respect, - you will be liked or disliked no matter
    what you do because your coworkers have diverse tastes, talents, abilities and perceptions. 
3. Learn to love yourself more.  Expand your self esteem to the point where your validation is not sought
    extrinsically.  In other words, develop your self esteem and believe in yourself.  Seek a trained counselor or
    therapist if you can't do this on your own.
4. One part of building your self esteem is learning and using Emotional Intelligence skills.  In Emotional
    Intelligence you first have to be able to identify your emotions and your subsequent patterns of behavior
    before you can engage the people around you more effectively.  If you are not yet proficient with EI , learn to 
    identify your emotions and patterns of behavior.  Once you can see your patterns more clearly, make a 
    conscious decision to move away from the unfulfilling world of seeking infinite validation from others.  It will only
    be a distraction.
5. Understand the consequences of your actions.  Once you have the courage to see consequences for what
    they are and accept your part in them, take the steps to help transform the situation.  It may not feel safe
    anymore because you can only change yourself but your aim is authenticity. 
6. Know when to stop trying and start being who you really are!  Recognize when you have you passed the point
    of diminishing return.

Many of us focus our energies on building a list of academic accomplishments so that we can equip ourselves with the skills we need to be successful.  This is a noble goal but we sometimes overlook investing in developing our interpersonal and leadership skills because we don't realize that in the long run, the person with the well developed leadership and communication skills and average technical skills can sometimes get further ahead than the person with a stronger knowledge of the job and weak leadership skills. 

Depending on your work environment, wanting to be accepted can be an "Achilles heel" for you so be aware of your patterns and if it makes sense to you, use these tips to help you to reinvent yourself so that you don't sabotage your career in the long run.

 

 

"Sucking Up", "Brown Nosing", "Kissing up", and favoritism.  No matter the vernacular, it all boils down to the same system or behaviors.  There are times when sucking up occurs as a result of a lack of competence where the dysfunctional behavior becomes a stand-in for competence because despite the lack or endowment of technical competencies, the employee becomes quite adept at adapting to their boss' needs by being overly agreeable.

Why does "Sucking Up" Occur?

It is sometimes mind-boggling to watch the evolution of the system of favoritism.  Mind-boggling because sometimes it is so obvious that the manager is being "played" or undermined, yet they remain blissfully oblivious to the system or its consequences.

To start with, I have to state that as part of the succession planning process, we sometimes tend to push or stretch our top performers and load them up with work.  This is acceptable is everyone is allowed to developed their respective strengths, whatever they are.  Persons identified by the succession process want to remain in our favor and attain that eventual promotion so they deliver, how, what, when and wherever you stipulate.    Their agenda is to prove to you that they can do it they way you want it to be done and sometimes they do this by diminishing the contribution of other players, acting like the primary contributions all came from them, and  by creating the impression that no-one else is competent enough...  As a leader you need to determine if this is true or part of a clever "spin" initiative designed to reserve their coveted spot.

And then there are the favorites who are not necessarily competent but are compromisingly agreeable and open to doing whatever you say or request.  They offer to pay for or collect your lunch or coffee, make poor judgment calls with pleasing you in mind, they agree with whatever you say,  minimize problematic situations for which they are responsible and exaggerate examples of their contribution to the team, hoping to make themselves sound irreplaceable.  The problem with this system of behavior is that these team members rarely provide constructive input so if you are in a leadership position surrounded by "yes men and women", it is only a matter of time before you become mediocre, static or less than optimal with meeting your performance goals.  Always remember, if you are not receiving constructive input, you are only as good as your own ideas and limitations - there is no healthy infusion of synergy.

There are persons who play the "Brown nosing" game to set you up for a fall.  They know that your idea, approach or plan will not work and they agree with you so that they can help to make you seem incompetent and put themselves in an enviable position in the longer run.  Leaders be aware but not paranoid...

"Sucking up" can also be the result of low self esteem.  An employee may feel the need to be accepted or liked so they agree with the boss, no matter if they have personal opinions or views or not.  What they do not take into account is that the boss sometimes needs observations that add to the breadth and depth of the discussion so that new and better ideas can evolve into being.

I recently heard a quote by the fictional character, Icabod Crane from the Movie "Sleepy Hollow" that is related  to this game people play at work.  He said, "Villainy wears many masks, none so dangerous as the mask of virtue."  I would venture to add one more mask here - the mask of agreeability.

Why does this System Self Perpetuate?

We talked about the low self esteem of the individual doing the "Brown Nosing" already but sometimes the leader also lacks confidence so platitudes being plastered on the boss serve the boss' ego needs.  Bosses sometimes fall into the trap of  this system, knowingly or otherwise because of a high need for validation or re-assurance.

This system also works and entrenches itself because the leader is not aware of or is just plain self deceptive about their biases.   For example, there are leaders  who state clearly that they don't promote favoritism, yet their biases surface and they are the only ones blind to obviousness of their biases.  Everyone else sees the biases and the onlookers either adapt, ignore or despise the boss.   Very few employees or peers have the courage to tackle this system head on.  Even senior managers or executives tend to avoid these types of discussions unless there is a crisis.

There is a very easy exercise called the "Halo and the Horn Effect" that I sometimes share with leaders.  It is very simple.  All you have to do is list your top three performers and your bottom three and identify why they are on the top or bottom lists by outlining their positive and negative attributes.  Once this is done, you have a ready made list of your positive and negative biases that impact ALL your interactions with members of your team.

Here are some additional questions you can ask yourself to help you to "flush out" your biases:

* How much do my top performers think like me?  If they do, does this really help me or the team?  If they 
   don't, am I open to diverse views?  Why or why not?
* What is their real contribution to the organization or the company?
* Who do I give the most positive recognition to?  How and why?
* Who do I give the most negative reinforcement to? How and why?

Then there are leaders who appear to sincerely ask others for ideas and input and proceed to become quite defensive or unnecessarily toxic if creative ideas are put on the table that did not originate with them. They use statements like, "We tried that before" or "That won't work" or even worse, they completely ignore your contribution.   So sometimes, just to keep the peace and avoid being marginalized unnecessarily, employees will say what they think you want to hear.  They feel they are forced to be disingenuous in order to survive and peacefully co-exist in the work environment.

Whatever the reason, "Sucking Up" creates a dysfunctional system of behaviors and as a leader, you need to take a deeper look at the systems of favoritism that you co-create and attempt to reinvent your approach by identifying your contribution to the system.  Ideally, your intention should be to create strong leadership behaviors within yourself that will eventually lead to the creation and maintenance of a functional, high performing team.

  The book, "Influencer" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler provides
  some very useful tips for creating positive influence.

- Influence geniuses focus on behaviours – they carefully identify behaviors or beliefs they want to change
  and then create an influence strategy
- They look for positive deviance – They study targeted settings where the problem should exist but doesn't’t.
- They identify recovery behaviors – in case you make a mistake in the process you have a back up plan 
 
Tools of Influence

- Verbal persuasion – works usually but rarely with resistant problems.  When you use verbal persuasion with 
  resistant problems you create more resistance.
- Personal experience – Help people to experience the world as you experience it. – Let them see or witness real
  life reality for themselves.
- Create a surrogate for actual experiences – Whatever they are afraid of, let them witness someone else and
  then let them try it – a staged approach. 

Six Sources of Influence (for building your influence strategy)

- Personal Motivation - How to make the undesirable desirable
- Personal Ability - Help people surpass their limits
- Social Motivation - Harness Peer Pressure
- Social Ability - Use your network to help you succeed
- Structural Motivation - Design rewards for going down the new path
- Structural Ability - Change the environment
 

 Excerpted from the book, "Influencer"

There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date.

In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.

Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.

All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding.

A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t us, it would likely be someone else.

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing.

People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.

This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of.  True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us.

When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.

By Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli

There is a special encrypted language that you encounter when a person wants to tell you something but they have to be careful about what they are saying with the intention of protecting the innocent.

While their intention can be to protect others or themselves or to intentionally confuse you,  the end result is that it is very difficult for you to decode the language, regardless your cognitive ability, and misunderstandings can occur. 

Here are examples of how communication can be so unclear that it seems encrypted:

*  Sometimes the speaker substitutes names with vague, qualifying terms like "the person you just met the other
    day" in an attempt to avoid calling names.  What if you met a number of people of late?  And when was the
    other day again?
*  Then there are others who use metaphors that mean something to them but they don't mean anything or the
    same thing to you. 
*  Others speak so softly that you can't hear what they are saying
*  Some use vague responses to throw you off their scent to confuse or mislead you.  They leave out important
    information that is key to a solution or decision.
*  Then there are people who use "big" words to confound you and sometimes themselves, in order to sound
    knowledgeable or increase their status.

Here are a few tips to help you to break the code:

Learn to read verbal and non-verbal language with equal competence.  Read the communicator's body language.  Ask yourself if it is aligned with what they are saying.  Is the body language defensive while the words are apparently calm and soothing?  Learning to read body language, facial expressions and other aspects of non-verbal language can help you to learn to decode unclear language effectively.  Remember, non-verbal language accounts for more than 90% of communication.

Another helpful hint is to consistently use active listening skills.  We all have different backgrounds and so we filter information differently.  Diversity is very real in the Bahamian corporate or business environments, therefore, we can't assume that we understand what is being said.  The best listeners ask questions to test their understanding or paraphrase what the speaker just said to ensure they grasped the INTENDED meaning.

Too many people walk away from conversations with their bosses or others without asking questions or paraphrasing because they don't want to seem incompetent.  What generally happens is the person that walks away without testing their understanding can end up wasting valuable time.  One of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" (Steven Covey) is to seek first to understand and then to be understood.  Active listening skills can help you to understand what is really being communicated and break the encryption.

Don't get stuck in a holding pattern.  Apply what you learn on a daily basis and remember:


Learning is an active process.  We learn by doing.  Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.

Dale Carnegie

When we are making a decision about an employee or policy, we often have to weigh the logical, policy based point of view with human considerations and make a fair call.

I often find that newly appointed managers who are new to leading a team of people sometimes rely heavily on the rules, the procedures and don't always factor in considerations like traditions.  We can't leave the organizational culture out of this reflection because it has a set of informal and formal rules of its own.    As a leader it is important to understand that once you add people to any formula, many dimensions of diversity are introduced so a standard response could be inappropriate in some cases.

Then you have managers who give in to whatever they are asked.  What I am talking about here is not an example of operating from the heart, what i am referring to here is cowardice.  In other words, a fear of not being liked because of an unpopular decision.  

An important distinction to be made here is that some people confuse with responding from the heart with an emotional response.  Emotional responses can lead to unfair, subjective solutions either in favor of or against the person in the situation because of undisciplined emotional decisions.   The best leaders work from their heart by  diffusing their emotions to speed up the decision making process and they explore all sides of the situation with the objective of coming to an objective, fair response.

Sometimes the heart decision will be unpopular and sometimes it will engender supreme popularity.  The Heart decision weighs intangibles and develops a new criteria for evaluation that includes:

1. Is this person taking ownership of the problem and taking action or are they relying solely on management or
    the company  to make it happen?
2. How do I respond to this appropriately while at the same time empowering the person?
3. Do the rules apply here or does an exception need to be made?  Is making an exception fair?
4. How do I integrate the diversity of the situation into the decision?
5. Is my decision congruent with the core values and objectives of the corporation?
6. Am I responding from emotion or am I being objective?
7. Is my decision aligned with my own core values?

Many times we feel more comfortable taking the more logical route and this is not always the optimal route when taken exclusively.   It is important to use critical thinking skills identified by Paul, Binker, Jensen and Keklau like:

1. Thinking independently
2. Questioning deeply: raising or pursuing root or significant questions
3. Suspending judgment and emotion
4. Exercising fair mindedness 
5. Making connections
6. Reading critically (Not taking everything stated as truth or as being correct - seeking the truth)
7. Comparing and contrasting ideals with actual practice
8. Evaluating assumptions and biases
9. Questioning beliefs, theories and perspectives
10. Distinguishing relevant from irrelevant facts

These tools can help you to resolve the tug-of-war between your head and heart.

"As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say.   I just watch what they do."

- Andrew Carnegie

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"; If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run - Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

By Rudyard Kipling