There are people in the workplace who try to get along with everyone.  They are pleasant and accommodating and their aim is to be accepted and to be a part of the team.   They bring you a slice of the cake they baked on Sunday, they get your coffee everyday, they pick up or even buy your lunch regularly, they help you out whenever you need something they can do for you.  They sometimes offer.

This type of coworker can be liked but more often than not they are disliked.  Why disliked?  Sometimes they are disliked because they are perceived as kissing up because of their perceived performance deficiencies.   While this may be true in some circumstances, a high need to be accepted could also exist in top performers.  Top performers sometimes feel they need to be accepted so they are congenial or they sometimes even dumb down to fit in.  The problem with this approach is that your coworkers can through the facade.  They know you are a strong performer or making them look bad so they don't trust you.

You sense the lack of trust or feelings of dislike directed toward you so you try even harder to fit in because you believe in the team.  You believe in working together and you want to be a part of the solution.  This is how you were trained.

We are always taught to "never give up" or to persevere.  While perseverance is sometimes a very useful tool, it can sometimes be destructive in cases where we use the same unsuccessful tactics over and over again.   Remember the definition of insanity...

There is now a fairly new skill in leadership being taught called knowing when to quit.  Knowing when to quit is not about giving up, it is about knowing when you have passed the point of diminishing return and changing your approach or discontinuing your ineffective tactics.  It may even mean losing the battle to win the war. 

Now let's put this in context.  When we are not liked because of our strong results, we sometimes inadvertently feed the dislike by trying harder to be accepted by doing what we feel are the right things instead of identifying the point of diminishing return.  We continue to try to be of service to others, to forgive and be generous.  While these are commendable traits, when doused healthy dose of a lack of self confidence, the combination is not functional and it causes us not to know when to quit.  Here is how this system of behavior can become toxic.

You are performing well and you are helpful and always willing to do whatever it takes (sometimes going overboard) to be a productive member of the team.  Your team members can tell that you are a high performer, you get the interesting assignments from the boss, you win awards and you are recognized but you can feel their growing resentment - you beginning to feel ostracized.   You want your team to accept you as the "down to earth", helpful and willing team player that you are by doing the things you value, like helping them out with their work.  Unfortunately, helping them only pushes them away further because to them, it seems like you are trying too hard and by helping them you may be reinforcing their perception that you think you are better, smarter or more favored.  You are not making any headway but you were taught to persevere but all the perseverance is doing is fueling the (no longer latent) fires of jealousy and anger toward you causing that anger to manifest itself in various ways like confrontation or rejection.

Here are a few behaviors I have witnessed in the person being ostracized when trying to fit in:

1. They continue to do the same things like forgiving their coworkers for their transgressions.  They continue 
    to hope their coworkers will see them as a good person .  Their coworkers may actually to like them.
2. You adopt a negative attitude toward the people who don't trust or like you and end up avoiding them or
    become aggressive toward them, deepening the system of dislike, bitterness and mistrust.
3. You take a step back and get real about the situation.  Accept the part you are playing in building the system of
    dislike and mistrust and break your patterns.

Here are some tips on how to you can break your patterns:

1. Face the truth. You will not get anyone to like you by continuing to do the things they don't like about you. 
    Determine which behavior are a based on your need to fit in and weed these behaviors out as they don't serve
    you or the team because they don't represent who you truly are. 
2. While being yourself, treat your coworkers with dignity and respect, - you will be liked or disliked no matter
    what you do because your coworkers have diverse tastes, talents, abilities and perceptions. 
3. Learn to love yourself more.  Expand your self esteem to the point where your validation is not sought
    extrinsically.  In other words, develop your self esteem and believe in yourself.  Seek a trained counselor or
    therapist if you can't do this on your own.
4. One part of building your self esteem is learning and using Emotional Intelligence skills.  In Emotional
    Intelligence you first have to be able to identify your emotions and your subsequent patterns of behavior
    before you can engage the people around you more effectively.  If you are not yet proficient with EI , learn to 
    identify your emotions and patterns of behavior.  Once you can see your patterns more clearly, make a 
    conscious decision to move away from the unfulfilling world of seeking infinite validation from others.  It will only
    be a distraction.
5. Understand the consequences of your actions.  Once you have the courage to see consequences for what
    they are and accept your part in them, take the steps to help transform the situation.  It may not feel safe
    anymore because you can only change yourself but your aim is authenticity. 
6. Know when to stop trying and start being who you really are!  Recognize when you have you passed the point
    of diminishing return.

Many of us focus our energies on building a list of academic accomplishments so that we can equip ourselves with the skills we need to be successful.  This is a noble goal but we sometimes overlook investing in developing our interpersonal and leadership skills because we don't realize that in the long run, the person with the well developed leadership and communication skills and average technical skills can sometimes get further ahead than the person with a stronger knowledge of the job and weak leadership skills. 

Depending on your work environment, wanting to be accepted can be an "Achilles heel" for you so be aware of your patterns and if it makes sense to you, use these tips to help you to reinvent yourself so that you don't sabotage your career in the long run.